I'm feeling it again. I don't want to talk to anybody right now. Nor go to a mall or even shop. I went to the Casino yesterday but the emptiness i'm feeling right now is still there. I just want to be alone in the room and think and think and think until i go to sleep. but still, my dreams are still haunting. i think i'm depressed again. Depressed about how my life is turning upside down.
Last Friday instead of having a Happy Halloween, my co-worker just got laid off from her job. Oh yes, we saw it coming - but still it was shocking as hell. And my regional bosses' cold voice while firing her over the phone was not something to help either. Well, there is no really easy way to break those news. But it still sounded very impersonal, horrible and inhumane.
I was crying the whole time. Why? it's a combination of all my emotion towards that person - compassion, pity,relief, guilt and a lot more. Compassion because she was the one who recommended me in the company i was in right now. She was my mentor and also had been a friend in one way or the other. Pity somehow because she'd been the breadwinner of her family. How the heck would her family survive right now? Relief, for i was so sure in my heart that somehow i really thought it was me whose gonna lose my job. I even had restless nights and i already talked to my mother the alternatives if somehow i lose my job. I already told her that maybe i could continue my studies before looking for another job. and Guilt, yes, its really hard to explain. and it's a little bit scary on my part. But somehow i feel guilty (even though i know it's not my fault) for her current situation.
I am still not brave enough to write my all feelings but eventually i will. i hope that i could get the peace of mind that i am yearning. but for now, writing my feelings will keep me from getting insane from this hollow shell that i sometimes called LIFE.
