Assessing oneself (myself)

I was busy browsing my friendster last night about my friends' updates, just killing my time before i go to sleep, that became a routine already, i mean, browsing my friends on friendster.. getting updates on what's new with their lives.. eventhough i know we are all living in different worlds now, i just couldn't let go of the fact that somehow, once in my life, that person on my friendster list, was a part of my childhood, or part of my growing years, a part of my adolescence, a part of me forever.

It was kind of fun knowing that my elementary best friend passed her board exam. And knowing that my college friend is a teacher now (We are BSA majors for crying out loud). or one of my highschool kaberk is studying in Canada after topping her board exam in Pharmacy. It was kinda fulfulling to know that they are happy with the roads they choose. And it pains me when i saw that one of my friends is miserable with her lovelife right now. I truly wish her well. She deserved to be happy.

And then I browsed again for friends' updates, Some of my classmates (okay these classmates belong to the WHO ARE MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED GRP if you know what i'm trying to say, you go get the picture) got married already. Some gave birth. Some have their own family. Others have different career but mostly their updates are about their lovelife. I was shaking my head while reading those updates. Life is really ironic, looking at them now, i was like, WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?? these are the people who topped the class! the one expected by the teachers that would climb the ladder of success! and where are they now? if not married, probably feeding their babies or waiting for their husbands to come home. While some of the mediocre people during earlier yrs really blossomed. Some really got their career boomed. I am not judging them, nor implying that i am way better than them now. Because I am not. If they are happy with their choices, that's fine by me, that's their life to live.

And then something hit me. What about me? Did I change? if they would ask anything about me, I would say that I am still the same. But different. It's hard to explain.. Somehow I knew I am way different now from that shy little girl from the fishponds. I've lived a life where dreaming was very far beyond my reach. Yet I was so happy then. And Contented. My life was complete. I am living a life right now as if I'm living my dreams into reality, and I can say that my life then was way far from the way I'm living my life right now - fast paced, career-oriented, cynical world. In my heart of hearts, I know I am living my life the way I perceived it to be- but still, how come that happiness seemed so unattainable?

Maybe I should get easy with life. or I was expectin more than what Life could offer me. But Could i blame myself for asking for more? All I want is to live and be happy. Is that too much to ask?