on life and love

I found it very amusing that this month it was like five or six of my friends (that includes long lost highschool, college and cyber) asked if I have a boyfriend at this moment. And it was very tiring for me to answer that No, Currently I am very SINGLE and UNATTACHED. Now I know how the makers of Carrie Bradshaw must have felt the moment she materialized that infamous character from Sex and the City.

Yes. It is tough being single. And even tougher if you live in a so called "Couple's World". And even though how much effort you exert in the explanation that you are indeed happy and contented and comfortable being just your simple self, it would still matter a lot if you could show your "audiences" that indeed, you have a partner and is very worthy of being loved. It was like, being involved with somebody is their yardstick to the so-called Perfect Life.

But, being single that I am, my circle of friends involve more on the married side. And others are currently attached to somebody. And every single moment, every single day of my life, Expect that one of those friends of mine would call or holler how their husband sucks.. how their kids drain their lives.. and telling me not to get married. But then I also saw fulfillment in their eyes every time their partner would call and ask what food are they gonna cook.. or their kids tell how much they love them then ask for a new Guitar Hero II.. It irritates and amuses the hell out of me when they do that.

Sometimes I asked myself, Is there something wrong with me? One of my cousins just told me a couple of months ago that there was this guy who really wanted to know me better and the funny thing was - i didn't even notice. Yes i knew him. but that was that. I thought he was just being you know, friendly. and then my cousin told me, you won't even notice even if he was flirting in front of your nose, you are far too unreachable. and besides, you went abroad. Then asked me if I was interested she could give my IM address. and you could guess what i did.

I said No. My cousin even told me that I am such a spoilsport. then i replied. 'Yes, I am.

I won't be much of a hypocrite. Sometimes, it really crossed my mind the "what ifs" should I enter into a romantic relationship or something. Would it change my choices in life? Could I give my one hundred percent love and devotion for that person? Am I the sort of an All or Nothing type of lass with regards to my partner? And the questions just go on and on and on.. and it scares the living daylights out of me to tell the truth.

Maybe that's the problem with me. I might appear cool, straight forward and confident but the truth is Commitment really scares me. I've watched how marriage in my family worked. And i don't know if it was just a mere coincidence, just pure bad luck or my family was just cursed.. but most of marriages in my family failed. Either its broken, a total failure or just a mere fact that our good Lord got another plan for both parties involved. And that big plan involve 2 kids, one widow and a man six feet down under. You get the picture? and oh. there's another option. Just be single for the rest of your freaking life.

Well so much for these stuff. As long as I am happy with my life right now, and as of this moment I am very much contented, Then that's all that matters. For now.