who cares? i do.

I haven't got the slightest idea that caring for somebody could hurt so bad. Until now. I just couldn't possibly imagine that I would end up feeling like this - like a frustrated loser. Just for caring soo darn much. There's this part of me that just wanted to be numb, while the other part of me was torn into pieces because even though i was hurting, i know that i still care. Even after all the betrayal and frustration. I still care. I don't know what to call myself - pathetic? selfless? stupid? maybe all of them.

I wish emotions were like a computer that i could turn on and off any time i wanted to. I could restart my life anytime i want or you know, just hibernate. or even shut down. That way I wouldn't feel the pain.

Maybe time will come that I would get used to this kind of feeling. Maybe one day i would be able to stand up and tell the whole freaking world that instead of saying I care, it would be, Who cares? But for now I would just keep my feelings shut.

Don't get me wrong. I don't want to feel this way. Who wants to feel pathetic, anyway? Definitely not me. I want to start caring for myself more than i care for that somebody else. It'll come. I know. Maybe not now. But it will soon.

I learned my lesson the hard way. That even if you care so darn much, some things are just not meant to be.